Halloween Funnies II

Halloween Funnies II What monster flies his kite in a rain storm？

　　Benjamin Frankenstein

　　What do ghosts serve for dessert？

　　Ice Scream

　　What‘s a monsters favorite play？

　　Romeo and Ghouliet

　　What do witches put on their hair？

　　Scare spray

　　What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost？

　　Bamboo

　　What‘s a haunted chicken？

　　A poultry-geist

　　How can you tell when you‘re in bed with Count Dracula？- He has a big D on his pajamas

Halloween Funnies IV

Halloween Funnies IV What‘s pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster？

　　- Grandma monster

　　Why did the monster eat a light bulb？- Because he was in need of a light snack

　　Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles？- Have you ever tried to iron a monster？

　　What kind of mistakes do spooks make？- Boo boos

　　Why couldn‘t Dracula’s wife get to sleep？

　　Because of his coffin

　　Why do mummies make excellent spies？- They're good at keeping things under wraps

People carve pumpkins at Halloween to make 'Jack-o-lanterns'

People carve pumpkins at Halloween to make 'Jack-o-lanterns'

It’s October the 31st, and across Britain and the USA, thousands of children are dressing up as monsters, ghosts and witches and going to their neighbours’ houses to ask for sweets or to play tricks on them if they refuse.
Many houses have lanterns made from pumpkins in their windows. These lanterns have frightening faces cut into them.
What is the reason for all of this? It’s Halloween! To an outsider, this may seem a strange festival, but it is a very popular one and an important part of the culture in Britain and the USA. But how did it start?
The holiday once had a religious significance. November the 1st is All Saint’s Day, and October the 31st was believed to be a day when all the spirits came back to the world of the living. In modern times, this has changed to be a day when children dress up as monsters, ghosts and witches.
Once they are dressed up children go to their neighbours’ houses. They knock on the door and shout ‘Trick or treat!’ Good neighbours, of course, give ‘treats’. These are usually sweets or chocolates.
Bad neighbours, however, may give nothing. If so, then the children play a ‘trick’ on them. This may be a simple practical joke. However, naughty children may do something worse, like throwing rubbish in the neighbour’s garden. Nowadays, of course, most neighbours always give a treat. After all, it’s fun for the children.
Another tradition is to make lanterns from pumpkins. First, the inside of the pumpkin is removed. Then, a face is cut into the pumpkin, traditionally a smiling, devil face. Finally a candle is placed inside, and the lantern is put at the front of the house to keep evil spirits away.
There are many traditional games on Halloween, but the most common is ‘apple-bobbing’. It’s simple to play. Several apples are put floating in water. Children then have their hands tied behind their backs. They then have to try to pick the apples out of the water using only their mouths. Of course, people get very wet and it is very funny to watch.

In a second

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

What will you do for golf?

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."

Soldier stands guard

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Would you please move your cars?

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing." Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."

History paper research on the Internet

Man: "How's your history paper coming?"

Woman: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful.

Man: "Really?"

Woman: "Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell them!"

A snail buys a fast new car

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

An amazing talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Husband 1.0 ---^_^

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work theparrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

water

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Do you know the way to the zoo?

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

soup isn't hot

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

The Perfect Son

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.